My Battle Against Pain
“It’s just growing pains”
“All teenagers are tired- so why are you complaining?”
“You’re just nervous- everyone’s stomach hurts when they’re nervous!”
“Toughen up sweetie- big girls don’t cry!”
I can’t tell you how many time I heard like this growing up- from friends, parents, teachers, and especially doctors. Kid’s don’t get sick. At least, not permanently. They get stuffy noses and flu bugs and scrapes on their hands and feet, but If it’s not a broken bone, it’s not a problem.
Deep down inside, I always knew that this wasn’t true- at least not for me. But everyone kept telling me that I was fine, so I started to believe them. I learned to tuck up my pain in neat little boxes and push them away in the corners of my mind where I didn’t have to look at them anymore. I got so good at ignoring my pain, that I could forget that it even existed.
My hands burned whenever I wrote- even for a few minutes. My gut felt like someone had poured gasoline down my throat. The entire surface of my skin itched with invisible hives, and each of my ribs slipped out of place and turned my back into one giant knot. My neck spasmed so tightly that it was difficult to swallow. And that is just the beginning. Yet, if you asked me- I would tell you that I wasn’t in pain at all. And I believed it. Somehow, I had convinced myself that I was perfectly fine.
Pain was a game- and I was winning. If I didn’t feel it, it wasn’t real. And if I did feel it? Well clearly, I just needed a better attitude. No pain, no gain, right? At least, that’s what my swim coach always told me. I worked hard and even managed to get straight A’s through most of high-school by pushing through the pain and the fatigue. But in many other ways, I was constantly coming short. I struggled to make connections with others. I was the slowest on the swim team and the track team, no matter how hard I tried. I was always forgetting things- pencils, lunches, assignments, and more. I blamed myself for these problems and was ashamed of my many weaknesses.
Letting The Pain Back In
As I aged the pain in my body continued to increase, and I had to ignore more and more of it to survive and keep up the charade of normalcy. I could feel my pain building up in every corner of my life, bursting to the brim on all sides. It hurt- even if I wouldn’t admit it – and ignoring my pain led to depression, anxiety, preventable injuries, and even arthritis.
Suppressing so much made it difficult for me to feel emotions as well. I was never happy; I was never sad; I was never angry. I was just there- but when I COULD feel emotion, it was like a massive roller coaster swinging from one extreme to the next, because extreme was all that I had left.
Eventually, I learned what was wrong with me and that I had a real, legitimate chronic illness. But I still couldn’t accept that I had chronic pain, or deal with the implications that this would have in my life. I continued to grow numb, searching for happiness everywhere but never being able to find it -save for only a few moments at a time.
If I wanted to feel normal again, I knew that I had to let the pain back in. I knew that I had to accept myself exactly as I am, and face the reality of living a life with chronic pain. Doing so was the most painful, heart-wrenching thing that I have ever done, but at the very moment I chose to accept that pain, I could feel a part of me heal that I didn’t even know was broken. Yes, my body ached, but my spirit was filled with peace. I bawled like a baby, I laughed like a child. I felt the whole array of emotions return in bright, technicolor patterns, and for the first time in years, I finally felt human again. I was at peace with myself, and I was at peace with my pain.
All this time I’ve been faking being well, but I’m not. All this time I’ve been telling myself that big girls don’t cry, but maybe they do. True strength doesn’t come from burying your problems and pretending they don’t exist; It comes from acknowledging them. From welcoming your pain with open arms and embracing it as a part of you.
Why We Should Embrace- not HIDE- our Weaknesses!
We are not just our strongest moments. We are not just the smiling image on a screen, flaunting our success and the pursuit of our dreams – though that is a part of us. Just as much as every happy moment is a part of us however, our darkest moments are as well. We are every sad thought, every tear, ever pain. We are real, complex humans that sometimes don’t feel like going on anymore- but we do anyway. We all have our secrets- chronic pain, depression, a child who won’t behave, loneliness, weight gain. But those secrets are beautiful and they’re a part of who we are. Big girls (or big boys) don’t hide them- they embrace them. And they understand that these weaknesses are a part of what makes us human.
Right now I’m learning to embrace my pain. It’s a part of me, and I need it. It’s there to keep me from hurting myself. It’s there to teach me what I can and cannot do. My body may not be perfect, but it isn’t my enemy. And it’s time for me to embrace it and love it and care for it instead of trying to change it into something that it will never be. This is my life, and I must learn how to love it. I must learn that my weaknesses and my many scars are part of what makes it beautiful. Because if I can’t even accept myself, how can I ever expect to be happy? How can I ever expect to be truly at peace?