Up until the age of 10, life had been pretty simple. I had a wonderful family, went to church every Sunday, and had a few close friends that I loved. My concerns were when the next Harry Potter book was going to to come out, and whether I should get white or chocolate milk for lunch.
That’s when my Mom started to get sick. Over the next couple of years, she developed chronic pain, headaches and severe fatigue. Soon, she was unable to work. We went from living in a spacious, 3 story home to moving back into our rental – where I had to share a room with my 2 younger brothers AND my sister. As you can imagine, things were anything but comfortable.
It wasn’t until I was 14 that we finally found out what was wrong with my mother; but what we did discover absolutely devastated me. I can think of no better way to explain what happened than to share it in my own words, as I wrote them at the age of 15. This experience not only helped me get through my Mom’s treatment, but it has inspired me to trust in the Lord when things get hard ever since. I hope that it will inspire you as well!
I Must Trust In the Lord
It was my fourth year of Girl’s camp, and I could not have been more miserable. My emotions were high, I felt like I hadn’t a friend in the world, and all I could think about was that I was losing my mother. Again.
Oh Father as I stand in need
The clouds grow thicker still
The thunder rumbles, I tremble
When will this trial cease?
For seven years – yes, seven years – we thought my mother was either hopelessly depressed or had an incurable brain injury. The pressure from family to “pull it together”, the protesting of my mother’s pounding head, and a warped mind from medication she never needed put her in an unstable condition. Once, she was hospitalized for several weeks before being released, and I never wanted to lose my mother like that again.
But now, things were different. I just discovered that my mother had Chronic Lyme Disease; a very controversial, difficult to kill disease. The bacteria that causes Lyme can attack anywhere in the body, but had hit especially hard on my Mother’s brain.
Can I make it through the darkness alone?
One day will I stand by His side?
Can I bear these trials by myself?
Oh no, oh no, not I.
Though relieved that my Mother could be cured, I was far from happy. The treatment that kills Lyme Disease is not pleasant, and as far as I was concerned, I wasn’t even going to have a mother for the next couple of months. To lose my mother again was unbearable, and I realized I would never find peace unless I spoke personally with the Lord about it. Disconsolate, I searched for a place of solitude to do so.
When my trials are too much to bear
I think of thee, Lord and Savior
You’re always there to carry me
You hear me lovingly
Having found a log to rest on in a secluded, quiet setting, I thanked my Father in Heaven for many things. Only after this did I ask Him, with an aching heart, to give me strength in this seemingly impossible trial. It did not come. Unsatisfied, I picked up a pencil and notebook, in it writing the deepest thoughts of my soul. My hand was guided by the spirit, and a poem flowed effortlessly onto paper.
As I wrote it, I literally felt Christ’s arms wrap around me in the most intimate of ways, lifting the burden of worry from my shoulders. It was then that I realized it: He loved me, He heard me, He cared for me.
I must trust in the Lord with all my heart
The arm of flesh is weak
But the spirit of God is infinitely strong
In him I cannot faint!
At the time, it seemed impossible for me to endure the loss of my mother once more. It was. The arm of flesh, the power of man, is weak. That is why I, and all of us, need to trust in the Lord for guidance, for when we do, the joy Christ can bring is beyond imagination.
And when my trial has come to an end
Lord I will remember thee
When the fog has lifted though light shines
I’ll sing with thanks to thee
Six months later, things have gotten better. Though Mother is not entirely well, I have had more of her these past few months than I’ve had for as long as I can remember.
However, I must never forget what the Lord has done for me. I must sing to Him, cry to Him, let Him know I remember His name. That is one of the most important things anyone can do during their good times, that they might become even greater.